I hold grudges.

Yes, yes I do. That was even recently one of my facebook status', because it is so true.

I can get beyond things, and I can get past things, most often it's a day, and it's over, sometimes a couple days, then it's past, and there are a very few things that bug me, and bug me, and bug me, and those, until they are resolved, they are there, and I can't seem to get past them. It's just the way I am.

Things I find particularly insulting? Well, let me make a list.

First off, being told that my man is a door mat. There's one. He is not. He does in fact, have a mind of his own, and makes his own decisions, and really influences my decisions much more then I could ever influence his. That's an automatic strike. I don't care who you are, his mother, his sister, his ex wife, his best friend, his cat, his high school gym teacher, his (sperm donor) father, some random 'internet' person. You just don't go there. Perhaps if that's what you are 'seeing' then maybe you don't get how relationships work. It is give and take, a mutual thing, not just charging forward with your own agenda. (I suppose I could use Obama as a perfect political metaphor here huh?). Yeah, I hold grudges.

Second, I don't take attacks on my family very well. Not at all. Especially when they are suffering, and hurting, and really in need of a hug, of some compassion, empathy. You decide to kick them while they are down? Yes, I will respond. I am (not) sorry, it is in my nature, and again, I don't care who you are, I will recommend that you make an attempt to fix it, if you do not, then yeah, you have me on your ass, and that -might- influence decisions made in my house. Yeah, I hold grudges.

Thirdly, being told I am ungrateful. I am extrememly grateful, Because of Julian and Tristian, I -know- what I have, and what gifts I have. I make every effort to say excuse me, and thank you, and if I fail in that, I am sorry, it happens, especially when you are going through stressful times, and it happens. I do feel badly that I perhaps missed a "thank you" or three that I should have given, but, over time, while involved in high risk pregnancies, the NICU (even for a short period) (suspected) PTSD, OCD and (PPD)depression, I know I have missed a "Thank You", and I do feel badly, and this moment, while I admit it is owed (and thus given) I will not let it make me feel unjustly ungrateful. I am, I relearned just how important being grateful is, when I got to hold my(our) first born and second born sons, and watched them pass away, and then held my(our) third born son. If I owe you a "Thank You" from those points, and missed it, I am sorry, but that does not mean I am not grateful for what you did. Actions speak "Thank You" often better the words.

A fourth thing. Alienation. How have I alienated someone? (Well, this post could very well do it, but I don't care, not anymore) I go out of my way to try to make others lives more fulfilled. For instance, knowing my "Mother in law" is 502 miles away, I made a blog, this blog you can find to the right. I launched this blog about 3 months or so after Liam was born. It's 'his' blog. 'He' writes it, with much of my help. I have stayed up late, I have sorted through THOUSANDS of pictures, I have struggled with wording, I have done everything possible to keep this blog updated a least once a month, and I have done it, alone (well, with Liam's help) and have received NO recognition for it. I did this, because I love Jeff's mom, and wanted to keep her in the loop, even if she's not here. There is one person who knew that it was -me- who was writing it, but she did not communicate that. No, instead I am the person alienating. How would that be alienating? Yeah. I hold grudges.


Five. Walking in my shoes, and tell me I'm wrong. I guess, while I was pregnant with the twins, and immediately after they were born AND passed away, and then the following (high risk) pregnancy with Liam, and his NICU stay (which thankfully was short, and "insignificant"), and through my getting used to a newborn around the house, and sleepless nights, I should have taken time out of my day to get to know Jeff's younger sister better, ya know, because i didn't have any life or death situations going on or anything. Yeah. I hold grudges.

Six, while I'm talking about Jeff's younger sister. How about, I mention to her during a get together over the summer, that we are arguing, and I think her and I should sit with a glass of white zin (because I had heard that she likes white zin), and hash things out, so we can get past it (because well, that's who I am), and move on, and she blatantly ignores it, and tries to, well, ignore it. Yeah, I sucked up our next visit, for Jeff's families sake (I do really love Jeff's Mom, and his older Sister, and her wife) during Christmas, but I will not do it again. Not my nature., It needs to be dealt with. Not ignored, and the fact that my effort was, well, shit on, doesn't sit well. Yeah, I hold grudges.

Seven. Another thing that really rubs me the wrong way. Take something -I- said, and misinterpret it, and pass it along as your misinterpretation. I "apparently" was having an affair when my ex husband and I divorced. Yeah, love that. I said a guy was cute, and that turned into an affair. Yeah, I still don't trust her, 10 years later. Yeah, I hold grudges.

Eight. Being, essentially told, in my own 'forum' that I'm not allowed my own feelings. You don't come to my turf and tell me I can't feel the way I do. Not ok, and not likely to gain any positive thoughts. Yeah, I hold grudges.

Let's see if we can round this out at a nice fun number nine. This one really pissed me off. "It's all about me". If Jane has a broken leg, all of a sudden Ava has not only had one, but it's worse then yours. If you argue, they not only argue back, but have an 'army' of supporters (Really? You need others to support you? You just can't know you're right without asking? Huh.). These are also the same people that when they know they are 'beaten' will change topics suddenly, and usually stupidly, so that way they don't have to take blame, or be accountable. Yeah, I hold grudges.

So yeah, I hold grudges. I do, I always have, and likely always will. It's part of who I am, and I know this. The people who love me know this, and the people who don't, I don't really care. It's part of why you're here, it's part of why I'm here, it gives me a place to bitch about the stupid shit that stresses me out from day to day. (PSA Moment, disclaimer in the 'about me' to the right!)

I hold grudges. Get over it.