It must be very easy to forget that a baby comes from a woman and a man. I say this because a lot of people, women especially, forget the Father when a baby is lost.
A loss of a baby, while during pregnancy, or shortly after birth, is the hardest thing to go through. It is. There is no denying that.
A woman holds her empty belly with her empty arms in grief, and mourns the loss of the life she carried inside of her, but she has that connection.
Her partner holds the woman, he holds the body of the person who once held his baby inside.
She is asked how she is doing, she is hugged, she is supported, she is loved.
He is ignored.
Why? WHY?!?!
It's not fair, and the women who don't get that he has the same amount of pain, the same amount of grief, and the same loss need to stop and realize it. It does not matter that men do not show it as readily as women do, it does not make the pain any less.
The loss is not their own. It is both of theirs, equally, and until we recognize on all levels that it is a shared pain, and both parties are hurting, women are just sexist and uncaring.
If you know a family who has lost, do not forget the Father. Do not forget he hurts as much as the Mother. He hurts too, in more ways perhaps then the Mother, because he is not only feeling the same pain, but odds are he is being left to flail, and to look on while he is ignored.
(I say in this post -women- in general sense, because out of the women I know, a great majority do not stop to honor the father, there are some, and those, obviously, are not the target of this post, and to them, I say thank you.)
11 comments:
((HUGS)) to both you and Jeff. You are 100% right!
Your right and it is sad people think like that
You are so right! I think men tend to try and hide the pain more (at least Brandon!) and it can be easy to overlook their pain, but so important not to!
Great post.
Thanks.
As someone who is 'different' than the typical male, I see alot of things going on around that may get overlooked. It's saddening that we have become a race divided by gender.
I could blame one particular movement but this is not my blog, though I'm sure there is a lot of blame there.
Amanda, I agree that men try to hide the pain more. How many times have the ladies here told their man that they don't want to see them hurt? Probably once or twice. (though most ladies that stop here are great ladies, so maybe not). When a man sees his woman in pain, he's hard-wired to not show he is in the same boat. He needs to be, or appear, to be the strong wall his partner needs. It's the knight in shining armor syndrome. All men have this to one degree or another. So this syndrome causes us to internalize alot so that those around us have that comfort they need. Is that right? not really, but it is our job. I often say the reason men die earlier is this very reason. Even though we are all 5 year old boys wanting the approval of our mother (in this case our wives/gf's/partners) we can see the pain our partners are in when we are suffering. A man CANNOT cause additional pain to a woman when they are hurting. (Yes I know, there are plenty of ahole guys out there that will buck my statement. lol.)
They aren't men though, they are aholes.
But back to the point. We internalize alot, especially in the presence of our women, to be the stalwart. Secretly, in a room lit by one light in our face, with a gun pointed at our heads, we'll tell you how we feel in this matter. Some are better than others with not needing interrogation.
Iiri knows how I feel, but she does not know 100%. Why? I can't put into words everything. She knows about 90% or so, which is pretty good.
When I turn for others aid and help, I am often turned a deaf ear too. Its horrible. Its aggravating.
I have one FA (financial adviser) that has some time as a NICU grad. When he heard of my story, he just looked at me, shook my hand, and said, I hope I never have to go through what you have. The fact that you are upright and walking is amazing.
That little comment was incredible. I told him I was a wreck inside, but needed to keep up a strong presence for Iiri, and he simply shook his head and said, I understand.
So I think I get it, when it comes to men on this issue.
But I don't know, sorry for rambling, but I have alot to say on this matter, and no real place to do it.
and there, not just a comment, a long ass one. :P
I win!
I think you said it well...long ass or not:P
Well, with our first loss, Mike didn't see any of the physical pain I went through, because I ran to my mom to take care of me. Which in some ways I really wish I hadn't done, I left him by himself (3 months after we married) while I went through a miscarriage. To this day, I'm not sure what his feelings are about our first loss, and that's sad.
With our second loss, I stayed here, and my parents came to me. It's incredible that they did that for me, but I also know--now that I'm a mom--that when your kid is in pain you would do almost ANYTHING they asked you to if you thought it would help them. My dad didn't have a job, and their savings was depleted a LOT (he had started a used car dealership that tanked when the economy died, so all their money went into that). They actually sold furniture to be able to come be with me. Wow, did I totally just change directions with where this post was going? Oops, LOL!! Anyway, it was really eye-opening to Mike to see the physical and emotional pain I went through with my second loss. I don't remember at what point I asked him, if it was between finding out that our baby had died and the actual physical part, or if it was after the physical miscarriage, but at some point I asked him "do you even feel sad about this?" because he seemed to show no emotion about it. But he opened up to me at that time, and it was good for me to hear that he did, in fact, care.
Where is the "like" button?
My mom and I were just discussing this last night...she said people always ask her how I am after all my losses...and she tells them, but then says "and this is how RICK is doing...he's hurt too ya know"
People just dont realize it.
I've had this discussion with P many times and it's not just in relation to losses. I think we came to the conclusion that it was just our crazy families, but I guess not...
i commented on the post about this but i'll comment here as well. eric...well eric keeps A LOT in and doesn't show a lot of sympathy or sadness. so it took a while before i realized it, because he would make comments like "everything happens for a reason" and stuff like that (stuff that pissed me off quite frankly because i didn't want to hear that). when i got pregnant with max, i left the test on his desk (because let's face it, telling him lost all the fun any more) and he didn't mention it at all...probably not for about a week. neither one of us said much to each other about it and one day he said "i won't be able to get excited about this until you are about 20 weeks"...he got excited about it before then, but it was that statement that made me realize he DOES feel...and he's not just some smart ass jack ass...lol. it was at that point that i realized the men do get over looked a lot...and it IS sad. they have lost someone as well, and like others have said, they are trying to be strong for us as well. plus i found out that he felt like he failed, just as i had felt. it's amazing some things you find out--he's not one for sharing his feelings and such so it was nice to finally hear these things.
Iiri, Jeff, your loss greatly saddens me. To think that we lost our child at 3 months and the deep rooted grief and depression that followed afterwards is nothing compared to the emotional struggle that you both ploughed through.
After holding my little man in my arms for the first time, albeit a little numb from the difficult labour, I promised him that I would never, ever, let anything happen to him as long as I am around. I would not inflict such an internal struggle as my parents did onto me. I was filled with extreme joy, that I, a big galoot of a man could cradle his newly born son in his arms and give him his warmth so that he could feel secure. He was a little bundle of joy that would be dependant on my, and my wifes input for the rest of his life. I was happy, so happy.
...and to have that ripped away from us in less than 24 hours, I couldn't imagine the complete soul-wrenching heartbreak that would cause us.
Iiri, Jeff, you are strong people and my heart goes out to you both. To go through that experience and keep pushing through life as normal? I salute you both, and know, that our thoughts are with you.
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