I really have not much....

To say that is. I just thought it would be a good time to stop by and randomly ramble about some stupid crap that no one but me (and probably not even me) gives a rat's behind about.

Seems I just don't offer much these days. I am feeling disconnected, and distant at that. I know it's because I'm tired, but it doesn't mean I like it. I get annoyed at the stupidest shit. I know soon Liam will be sleeping through the night, and then I will be back to normal, but for now, I dunno, argh!

Every thing else seems to be going as "normal". I can't complain much more then the average person. Other then lack of sleep things are good. Typical 11 year old driving me up a wall, typical 11 month old driving me up a wall, typical 38 year old driving me up a wall, LOL! Same stuff, ya know.

I weathered the twins birthday fairly well, surprisingly. I think it was the zoloft that took the edge off. Maybe it was that I shut myself off emotionally. Maybe it's that I was prepared for it. Who knows. I do know that even though it was easier then I thought, it was still so very hard. It's an odd thing to know that you are missing two very important people (well, three if you include my father, who I have been missing a LOT lately, and I don't know why).

I know that overall I am a bigger and better person (hell, maple syrup anyone?) for it, but still. I don't WANT to be. I am confused by who I am now, and not sure I have settled into the "new" me yet. With being a mother, a mourning mother, a new mother, a partner to someone I love, I don't know. Maybe I just don't have the time to remember how to be me anymore.

I'm sure there will be a time, I will wake up and know I am back to me, and for now, I can ride this "new" me, until I settle. It's interesting. I know the roots. I know what lies deep, the core is the same, just dull. Perhaps it's the medicine, perhaps it's lack of sleep. Perhaps.

Perhaps.