Damn.

I'm sitting here, just putzing about on 'pink', watching Liam walk about, play with an empty corn pops box, move Jake's dog food dish around...which is ceramic, note to self, might want to get not glass food dishes for the dogs because Liam likes to play with them...and just generally enjoying my morning (even though I'm in a mood, again, but you'll soon see why.) and it hits me, all over again.

I shouldn't have time to be putzing about on 'pink'. I shouldn't be able to sit here and post a blog.

I should be ripping my hair out, chasing around three toddlers! Liam will be one in a couple weeks, and my dear Angels would (will?) be two next week. TWO! It's been two years. Oh god it hurts.

I stupidly read a blog that a fellow TTCAL writes, who just had her twin boys a few days ago. They were born pre-mature, at 33.6 weeks, much better then my Angels 25 weeks. They (Kate's babies) are both in the NICU, but they are doing great. I read her updates, and I am so happy for her....then I'm jealous. I should have been able to write updates like that for MY twins. I should STILL be able to.

At one point she makes a comment about how if your babies are in the NICU, people expect you to rest, and how she can't do that. I understand, and feel guilty all at the same time. When my twins were in the NICU, I was there when I could be. But when Liam was in the NICU, I couldn't bear to be with him. The memories of the twins we right there. His crib was INCHES from where my other two sons passed away. I couldn't do it. It hurt to bad, and I knew Liam was going to be ok. I feel guilty, perhaps that's why we've been virtually inseperable since. I know it was the twins though, that same thought, the same desire, that made it so difficult.

I miss them. I want them back. I know that will never happen, but it doesn't change it. The pain never quite goes away. There are moments when I feel great, and wonder if I've hopped over the worst of it, and then I have days that remind me, I never will.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family, I love my children. When people ask me if Liam is my first, I proudly say, "No, I have three other children, my daughter Kae is 11, and I have twin angels, Julian and Tristian."